Saturday, September 30, 2017
Practicing Awareness of Microaggressions
I used to have a friend who is a gay man. I haven't seen him in years but we used to spend a lot of time together. This week I saw a scenario play out that reminded me of something that used to happen to him all the time. I was in a store this week and I overheard a conversation between a man and a woman. He was telling her about someone he knew that he wanted to fix her up with. I heard him say "He's single, you're single, why wouldn't it work?" I was doing my shopping so I moved on without hearing the rest of the conversation.
However, this reminded me of a number of times when I would be with my friend and someone, often someone he barely knew, would tell him they had the perfect guy for him. It was like because he was gay they thought any other gay man was "his type" or "the perfect guy" for him. He and I talked about it a couple of times and although he was a very strong person he said it kind of hurt that people who barely knew him thought they could fix him up just because they knew another gay guy (to use his words). This example of microaggression was one I had forgotten all about until I read the discussion prompts this week and then I overheard the conversation in the grocery store.
If I'm being honest, I never could understand the hurt that my friend experienced because I am not a gay man and I don't know what it feels like to be discriminated against in that way. However, I was once a single woman and I have experienced the situation I saw unfold this week. As I thought about it in the context of microaggression I realized that when this happened to me I did feel insulted. I can only imagine how it must feel to be marginalized and discounted as a human who wants specific things in a mate when you are already a person who experiences outward and intentionally hurtful discrimination because of your sexual orientation.
As I observed those around me this week with a focus on trying to pick out microaggressions it helped me to be more aware of discrimination and prejudice especially as it has to do with power incongruence. When power is in a person's corner, so to speak, they can engage in microaggressions. Often, these microaggressions are not meant to be hurtful or to perpetuate stereotypes but they do. However, we also have to be careful not to make assumptions about our view of what is happening to others. Perhaps the microaggressions I think I see do not cause any harm to the person they are directed toward. If this is the case then are they microaggressions at all? Only the person who receives the message can truly know if they feel that there is a hidden, unintended message that causes them harm.
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I can't relate to his situation but I can understand being single myself. People think that just because someone is single they want to be set up with someone, don't want to be alone, or have to be dating. Instead of asking the single person if they are dating or asking questions to see if they want to be set up they immediately jump into "I have the perfect guy/girl for you". And most of the time the person who wants to set them up is married, lol. People should be more aware of how they treat others and the words and actions towards others that can be hurtful. Although the person being hurt should speak up because the more we make aware of what the microaggressor is doing, the more it will occur.
ReplyDeleteHi Wendy,
ReplyDeleteI think this kind of microaggression is every where in my country Sudan they want every single person to get married and that is very annoying because being single does not mean I need partner. I might enjoying being single.
Hello Wendy,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story with us. That is a great example of microaggressions, when people are truly trying to be helpful but are quite hurtful instead. I have a friend, who is and has always been single. She enjoys her home and living on her own. People are always trying to set her up. When she politely declines they assume she is a lesbian. Often they have a second option (insert eye roll here). She gets so frustrated. She always points out that if she wanted to share her life with someone she is quite capable of meeting people and choosing someone on her own. She is very social and has friends. She sarcastically reminds people that she is competent enough to get picked up in a bar :) Although she makes jokes and laughs, we all know that it is upsetting to her. And it should be. Why can't she live her life the way she chooses? She isn't judgmental towards others and their life choices; she deserves the same respect.
-Elizabeth