Managing Conflict

It has been a very long time since I truly experienced a conflict in my personal or professional life. Of course there are times that I do not see eye to eye with someone about a specific idea but rarely do these devolve into conflicts. Or, perhaps they are more like productive conflicts which I manage effectively (O'Hair, Wiemann, Mullin, & Teven, 2015). However, I will do my best to describe a concern I am currently having in my work life and apply the strategies we have been learning about to help me process through a better approach to communicating about it.

I think one reason I rarely have conflict at work is because I tend to let things go if they bother me and seldom does that affect my day to day work. Partly this is because I regularly work on my own, in the field, and so my colleagues and I see each other infrequently. However, avoiding conflict is not always what is best for me.

Each year our team organizes a group meeting for directors in the month of December in order to help meet the hours we are required to provide each month. In December, this can be difficult because some sites close for a week or more and coaches schedule vacation time during the December holidays. However, when I say "our team" organizes this meeting what I mean is that I organize this meeting and it is like pulling teeth to get most of the other coaches to help, even though everyone benefits from it. So, rather than making a fuss about it I simply take on the extra work and show extreme appreciation for the couple of coaches who do help in the planning and implementation.

However, I never mention that it irritates me that others are unwilling to help and seem to take advantage of the work of the few. In my personal life I appreciate a good debate and will assert my point. However, in this particular work situation I use avoidance when I "do not express [my] own needs and goals" (O'Hair, Wiemann, Mullin, & Teven, 2015, p. 228). Their refusal to help triggers me. One strategy I think I will look into is to view all conflict as an opportunity for relationship building and will think about how I can turn this trigger into an opportunity for productive conflict.

A second strategy that I could use would be to "Shift from Either-Or to Both-And" (The Third Side, n.d., para. 5). When I begin asking the team about developing the meeting plan I often put out an idea that I think is going to be a successful topic for the meeting discussion or professional development. When others come up with additional ideas I often try to get the group to choose one of the topic. I do not care if it is my original idea but I want one focus for the meeting. Perhaps I need to think about how to incorporate all of the ideas so that other coaches have more "buy in." Maybe I am marginalizing them and creating an uncertain climate. By looking and speaking from the thirdside perhaps there will be more collaboration and I will feel less frustrated.

Thinking through my approach to this situation has helped me to consider how I can stop avoiding the conflict around it but to circumvent unproductive conflict, as well.

References

O'Hair, D., Wiemann, M., Mullin, D. I., & Teven, J. (2015). Real communication (3rd. ed). New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.

The Third Side. (n.d.). 3S skills- Speak from the thirdside. Retrieved from http://thirdside.williamury.com/skills-speak/

Communication Assessment Reflection

At first, I only planned to ask two people from my personal life to do the communication assessments for me this week. I was thinking that asking a colleague to do something like this on a holiday week was just, well... rude. However, in the end I did ask my supervisor to complete the assessments and she agreed. In the chart below you can see how I "rated" according to myself, Dean (my boyfriend), Jenn (my sister), and Andrea (my supervisor/colleague).

I think the one outcome that was the most surprising was how low the others believe my communication anxiety is. In fact, Andrea rated me the lowest and she sees me in my most anxiety provoking situations when it comes to communication. She has observed me in meetings and presenting professional development opportunities to groups. This is when, internally, I feel the most nervous and anxious. However, she apparently sees me as more cool, calm, and collected than I feel.

One thing that I learned about my communication this week is that I possibly morph myself into different listening styles based on whether it is a business situation (action oriented according to Andrea) or personal situation (people oriented according to my family). I think this is okay, but I also feel like I need to work more on focusing on a people oriented listening style in my coaching work. Being action oriented in my professional life is also something that is necessary if progress toward quality is going to be made. So, while I want to continue to be more sensitive/people oriented in my work I also know that this is not always the best approach to getting things done.

The second insight I gained this week is that I, and everyone who helped me this week, see me as moderate in the verbal aggressiveness scale. My sister was somewhat surprised about this saying "On the verbal one I was actually surprised you fell into the moderate range. Thought for sure you'd be more in the low. I mean, not that moderate was bad or anything but I just don't see you as a verbally aggressive person AT ALL." I went on to explain to her that I really wasn't surprised that I fell into the moderate range for verbal aggressiveness when I read the description. I do like to make my point and won't just agree with others because I don't want to get into a debate about something. I feel this is a good balance for me- not a person who insults others but also not a wallflower. I think this is exactly how I want to communicate with others in most situations.

I also feel that my continually reflective nature allowed me to understand most  of my communication styles in the same way that others see me. It felt good to know that how I view myself is mostly aligned with how others see me- both family and colleagues alike. This was a really fun and informative assignment. I hope you all enjoyed it too! 

Altering Communication

So many things affect the way we communicate with different people. Many aspects of culture have an influence on how I alter my communication efforts. Communication should be individualized between the parties who are engaged with each other. This is not to say that I intend to treat people from different cultural backgrounds differently. More so, that I try to be aware that every individual has different expectations and levels of comfort with different aspects of communication. Additionally, I have my own nuances of communication which I prefer. It is important to remember that when communicating with others our own culture and communication preferences come into play.

For example, when communicating with people with certain political beliefs I tend to shy away from mentioning certain topics because it makes me uncomfortable to discuss politics when another person might become angry or offended; in our country, today, this is all too common. Also, I will change my speech pattern to match that of the person with whom I am communicating. Perhaps I will slow down when speaking to a person whose first language is not English or I will monitor my use of certain slang when talking with an elderly or young person. I do not think that race and sexual orientation have any influence on my method of communication- at least none that are obvious to me.

A few strategies to communicate more effectively:

• Consciously identify and recognize the nonverbal behaviors of varying people to match my own nonverbal communication to theirs. I am thinking about things like amount of personal space and whether touch or eye contact are a part of the communication patterns.
• View the communication scenario through the eyes of my communication partner and if there seems to be discomfort, alter the next communication attempt.
• Build relationships with communication partners over time and by being aware of the other person's comfort level in the way the relationship is unfolding. Sometimes building a relationship involves finding commonalities and other times it is simply a matter of being aware of the other person.

References

Gonzalez-Mena, J. (2010). 50 strategies for communicating and working with diverse families. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education, Inc.

Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V. (2011). Interpersonal communication: Relating to others (6th ed.). Boston, MA: Allyn & Bacon.

Communication of Characters

This week I was tasked with the assignment of watching a television show that I do not normally watch to investigate the communication of its characters. First, I was to watch it with the sound off

and then again with the sound on. I chose a show that I had considered watching but had not gotten around to yet, The Good Place with Kristen Bell and Ted Danson. I chose a random episode on Netflix and completed the assigned task.

There was a lot that I could tell by observing without sound. Facial expressions and body language often connected to the feelings and intentions of the characters. I identified annoyance and bewilderment based on facial expressions, excitement by the use of hand gestures while speaking, frustration through hands placed on hips and eye rolling, and confusion through raised eyebrows and widening of the eyes. These impressions tended to be correct when watching the show again with volume.

However, a few of the assumptions I made about the relationships among the characters turned out to be severely flawed. For example, when I saw one female character braiding another's hair it seemed to indicate that they had a level of intimacy in their friendship. However, it turned out that they did not like each other as much as it would have seemed and were trying to force themselves to bond via this exercise. Just prior to this they had both, separately, told a male character that they were in love with him. Due to the show being a comedy, instead of say a drama, this was not at all apparent during their exchanges. He sat with his body drawn closed in on itself and the women both stood and spoke to him animatedly. The non-verbal communication did not match what I would have expected while professing one's love.

I think the biggest lesson I learned is that context and personal communication styles have everything to do with how we perceive communication from others. Context, for example matters when you consider whether the moment is meant to bring laughter or tears; in a television show this will affect every interaction among the characters. I also feel that my own schemas about communication played a large part in how I viewed these characters and their interactions. I made an assumption that the character played by Ted Danson was an authority or boss of some kind because when the show opened he sat at a desk with a small group of other characters on the other side of it. In general, when I have had interactions with someone sitting on the opposite side of a desk from me they have been an authority figure of some kind.

If this had been a show I knew well I might have had a better understanding of some of the contexts that skewed my perceptions. For example, while I do think that Ted Danson's character is some sort of authority he seems to be flailing in this position. If I had known his character better prior to watching the episode without the sound I might have known his nuanced behaviors which indicate his personality and feelings while communicating.

This is also true in real life. Effective communication often takes time to build through relationships. Sure,

we can have brief exchanges with people we do not know but in order to begin to understand underlying meanings it is crucial to know that person well and to listen with both your ears and eyes.

Communication: Lessons From a Friend

This week I was asked to share with you all about a person whom I know that demonstrates competent communication in certain contexts. I chose to write about my good, long time friend Shayna.

Shayna has always engaged in philanthropic careers and ventures. She has an advanced degree in anthropology and has, hence, studied human behavior for many years. One of her strengths is communicating with other professionals in her field. However, she also has a way with people who are suffering and in need of support. She worked for several years as a patient navigator for the American Cancer Society. In this capacity, as well as in her personal life, she is an active listener and often asks reflective questions to help a person think through their problem or concern.

Not only would I want to model my communication style after Shayna but I often do just that. I try to draw from some of the conversations we have had when helping a friend in need. I often think about how she might react or what question she might ask if I came to her with the same problem. Her way of supporting while still probing is lovely.

She is a genuine person and also very direct. I respect that in communication because I never want to feel, or make someone else feel, like I am not saying what I really think.

Shayna can sometimes be quite blunt in her attempt to be direct. I do use caution not to be too blunt in my own communication with others, especially in professional settings.

I adore my friend and value her conversational style and intellect tremendously. I also have a great fondness for her fun, spunky spirit!

Professional Hopes, Goals, and Thanks

As we wrap up another class in our MS of Early Childhood Studies program I wish to share some of the inspiring ideas that are brewing because of my renewed thinking about anti-bias, diversity rich education.

One hope...

I hope that when working with adults from diverse backgrounds that I will hear all of their voices. Everyone

has something to bring to the table and I want to create a space where it is safe to share each perspective.

One goal...

My goal is to help professionalize the field of early childhood education so that the adults and children in the environments are respected and valued regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, status, age, or other social identity or cultural component.

Buy this book here

Buy me here

Buy this excellent resource here

A note of thanks...

I want to thank each of my colleagues who took the time to interact with and support me throughout this course. I wish the best for all of you in the pursuit of anti-bias and culturally competent education. As I work with the other adults in the field I often bring to mind an interaction that I had with one of you through our discussions and blogs. You have all helped me to continue to expand my reflective practices so that I can contribute to the vision of an education system without oppression or privilege.

Welcoming Families From Around the World

For this assignment, imagine the following scenario:

You are working in an early childhood setting of your choice—a hospital, a child care center, a social service agency. You receive word that the child of a family who has recently emigrated from a country you know nothing about will join your group soon. You want to prepare yourself to welcome the child and her family. Luckily, you are enrolled in a course about diversity and have learned that in order to support families who have immigrated you need to know more than surface facts about their country of origin.

In order to complete this assignment, first choose a country you know nothing about as this family’s country of origin.

The name of “your” family’s country of origin 

I have chosen to imagine that this family is from Tanzania, a country on the continent of Africa.

At least five ways in which you will prepare yourself to be culturally responsive towards this family 

1. Have in place a cultural competency plan which supports all newly enrolled children, regardless of their country of origin. This might include a family survey about their home culture and/or plans of how to incorporate each child's home culture into the classroom.

2. Discover if the family and I will need an interpreter in order to support two-way communication.

3. Use the internet, books, and other print sources to study the culture and traditions of Tanzania.

4. Make an attempt to contact an international organization to gather more information about the educational structure and practices in Tanzania.

5. Strive to contact an actual early childhood professional from Tanzania and form a professional relationship with that person. 

A brief statement describing in what ways you hope that these preparations will benefit both you and the family

Any attempt to provide culturally competent, anti-bias education will benefit all children in the classroom or other setting. By understanding more about the individual child, the family, and the culture of their country of origin I hope that I would be able to provide a more inclusive environment for this child and family. The aim would be to show this family that they and their child are important to me and that I understand that their family culture is significant to their ways of thinking about parenting and education (as well as many other aspects of their lives). Of course, I would also benefit because I would have a better foundation for forming a trusting partnership with the family and relationship with the child.