It has been a very long time since I truly experienced a conflict in my personal or professional life. Of course there are times that I do not see eye to eye with someone about a specific idea but rarely do these devolve into conflicts. Or, perhaps they are more like productive conflicts which I manage effectively (O'Hair, Wiemann, Mullin, & Teven, 2015). However, I will do my best to describe a concern I am currently having in my work life and apply the strategies we have been learning about to help me process through a better approach to communicating about it.
I think one reason I rarely have conflict at work is because I tend to let things go if they bother me and seldom does that affect my day to day work. Partly this is because I regularly work on my own, in the field, and so my colleagues and I see each other infrequently. However, avoiding conflict is not always what is best for me.
Each year our team organizes a group meeting for directors in the month of December in order to help meet the hours we are required to provide each month. In December, this can be difficult because some sites close for a week or more and coaches schedule vacation time during the December holidays. However, when I say "our team" organizes this meeting what I mean is that I organize this meeting and it is like pulling teeth to get most of the other coaches to help, even though everyone benefits from it. So, rather than making a fuss about it I simply take on the extra work and show extreme appreciation for the couple of coaches who do help in the planning and implementation.
However, I never mention that it irritates me that others are unwilling to help and seem to take advantage of the work of the few. In my personal life I appreciate a good debate and will assert my point. However, in this particular work situation I use avoidance when I "do not express [my] own needs and goals" (O'Hair, Wiemann, Mullin, & Teven, 2015, p. 228). Their refusal to help triggers me. One strategy I think I will look into is to view all conflict as an opportunity for relationship building and will think about how I can turn this trigger into an opportunity for productive conflict.
A second strategy that I could use would be to "Shift from Either-Or to Both-And" (The Third Side, n.d., para. 5). When I begin asking the team about developing the meeting plan I often put out an idea that I think is going to be a successful topic for the meeting discussion or professional development. When others come up with additional ideas I often try to get the group to choose one of the topic. I do not care if it is my original idea but I want one focus for the meeting. Perhaps I need to think about how to incorporate all of the ideas so that other coaches have more "buy in." Maybe I am marginalizing them and creating an uncertain climate. By looking and speaking from the thirdside perhaps there will be more collaboration and I will feel less frustrated.
Thinking through my approach to this situation has helped me to consider how I can stop avoiding the conflict around it but to circumvent unproductive conflict, as well.
References
O'Hair, D., Wiemann, M., Mullin, D. I., & Teven, J. (2015). Real communication (3rd. ed). New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.
The Third Side. (n.d.). 3S skills- Speak from the thirdside. Retrieved from http://thirdside.williamury.com/skills-speak/
I love that you are able to admit that avoiding conflict is not always what's best for you. I have been known to avoid conflict myself, especially at work. I realize now that avoiding conflict only leads to resentment so now I strive to resolve conflict as it arises.
ReplyDeleteHi Wendy,
ReplyDeleteHow lucky for you that you do not experience conflict often. Between three kids and 14 preschoolers, I swim in conflict daily. I resolved two conflicts by the end of breakfast this morning :) I understand your frustration. At our center, I am responsible for organizing training opportunities. We are required to complete a minimum of 20 hours of training each school year. Despite the fact all of our employees know this is state mandated training, sessions are still met with grumbling, complaining, and scheduling conflicts. It can be very frustrating when people seem unappreciative of your time and efforts to help them. I am afraid that I also tend avoid conflict (and then vent everything to my husband later that evening) which is not the healthiest solution to most problem. I also need to talk things out to help me gather my thoughts. I think the second strategy seems beneficial to your situation. A shift in language could facilitate planning. Thanks for sharing your thoughts; I think this strategy may help my situation as well. Best wishes with your meeting; hope things work out well.
-Elizabeth Dupin